In Cebu, I renteda car at the airport to get a feel for some of the tourist spots. As soon as I drove it off the lot someone behind me started blowing their horn so I sped up through the intersection only to have an underscover jump in front of my car and wave me to the curb. Luckily he allowed me to pay a fine and be on my way. I drove to Moal Boal on the other side of the island. It was already 2am by the time I arrived, so I slept a few hours in the car. Moal Boal is a little beach town with several bars.
I continued my roadtrip around the souhern tip of the island, which gave me a chance to see Oslob, a beautiful beach town famous for its whale sharks.
That afternoon I checked into the Mandatin and headed back to Lapu-Lapu to return the rental car. Right before I got there another plane clothes cop appeared flagged me down on foot. The fine was 50% more this time and for an offense that took place in a different lane than I was in. It was like he confused my car with someone else's.
The hotel was a good deal.. such a good deal I stayed there a couple weeks.
I spent the next few days at the mall and Carbon market. There was a cute little homeless girl that popped up everytime I tried to leave the hotel, putting her hand out like a little monkey, "Greg give me 50." I bought her a couple eggs and some bread and we became friends.
Another girl I am no longer friends with had higher asperations. I took her and her friend out for lunch and then we made plans to go to the beach. She showed up for the beach outing with 4 friends... all 5 of them pile into the back of the cab. I was making small talk about Bohol when the thick stench of methane gas crept over the seat... I looked back and the biggest girl said, "oh yea you should see the chocolate hills," as she leaned back inhaling as she lifted her breasts with her belly. i diverted my gaze to my friend who somewhere between the crosswalk and cab door had received 12 pink roses... her mischievous look over the bouquet of roses had me baffled as to who had farted, her or the big one. When we got to the destination she keyed into the gps it was clear this was her first trip to the beach because we ended up at a boat ramp... another cab was able to find us the seediest beach i have ever been to. We sat at an awful buko type hut where some horrible fat women tried to charge me 10 dollars for the privilege of getting splinters in my ass while an old man sold me sea urchins with no meat in them and a bag of rice. One of the girls started rolling the rive into balls and popping them into her mouth like Yoshi. Then the 5 girls start begging me to rent a boat for island hopping. It was absolutely pathetic. As we were leaving I decided to drink from the large overpriced jug of water instead of leaving it there uncontaminated... the fat woman that tried to shake me down for $10 lost her shit and started screaming in Filipino. It was the most pathetic outing I have ever been on. Then the girl blocks me on Facebook...
After a few days.. I decided to catch a ferry to Bohol and see the chocolate hills, which actually turned out to still be green at this time of the year.
Bohol is also know for its Tarsier monkies. I went to a couple of their sanctuaries to visit the little nocturnal monkies.
I found a very nice boutique resort a short walk from the ferry port. They have a really nice pool.
The rest of my trip was spent on Pang Lao which is a small tourist destination near the airport. There are lots of restaurants, activities, and Alona beach.
A couple more places worth mentioning but not really worth visiting are the dining on ferries.
Here is Plaza Loboc at lunchtime..
And Rio Verde... they have firefly watching during dinner.
My US passport recently expired and the least problematic way to get a replacement, while in the Philippines, is visiting the Ebassy in Manila or Consulate in Cebu. I chose Cebu. I booked tickets at double the fare of what is offered when matchmakers are trying to ship you girlfriends in the off season, and I was ready to go.
Before my flight I looked at a few residential lots which were slowly, very slowly becoming somewhat reasonable in price. I ran over the numbers of what local middle class Philippino citizens make and what most expats retire on... and had to look at myself with my camera to make sure I wasn't Korean. I thanked my friend for showing me property that wasn't a complete slap in the face and headed to the airport.
The flight was short and pleasant, but my phone did crap out when I tried to take pictures. Luckily it didn't brick and it held a charge at the airport. There was a comfortable bus that takes you from the airport across the Mactan Bridge for 50 pesos. A group of lively, beautiful flight attendants made it more than worth it. The prostitute or recently retired porn actress sitting next to them trying to touch her eyebrows with her tongue was also entertaining, meth does a body good. The bus terminal was surprisingly located between the Radisson and Bayfront hotel.
I checked in to the Mandarin Plaza Hotel which was downtown. It was so comfortable I ended up making it my homebase for three nights.
Day 2
The US consulate is run by a group of American Philippinos.. militant at the door but welcoming inside. I dropped off my passport application and photos after listening to some good old rednecks talking about their pensions, now insignificant due to American inflation, and Philippino wives.. I felt the urge to check my reflection again with my phone.
I caught a "jeepney" from downtown to Fuentes where I had lunch at a mid-level Robinsons mall.
I found a small town outside the city with baby girls in makeup, so I decided to walk through.
Deeper in the town I found an internet cafe like the one by my house in Mexico, a Godsend when your phone goes out.
As I continued my hike, I almost slipped on a bag of bodily fluids. My walk ended at a beautiful Sari Sari, named MJ Love Store. The only thing missing was Michael Jackson music.
The town opened onto a mainstreet which I followed to the Carbon Market.
The Carbon market was great... and a stone's throw from the Magellan Cross which is located in front of an amazing Chapel.
I decided to visit one more mall in Lahug Lahug before calling it a night. Another upscale mall in an IT park.. it had a strange vibe and I felt like I was going to go cross eyed so I headed back to the hotel.
Day 3
The hotel breakfast is pretty good.
I headed over to Colon street, which despite its name is very unique with lots of cool people. It reminds me of dowtown Los Angeles. All the knock offs for sale are priced like knock offs and you don't have fool's gold in fancy boxes with overpriced price tags.
After exploring Cebu some more I returned to Colon which was as lively as ever. There was a fair with fresh crab and street food. The street even had a lady bar, something I avoid but am glad to know still exist.
Near the lady bar was a statue of an obese hell spawn, disguised as a female cupid. I took it as a bad omen and went back to my hotel.
Day 4
I decided to move to a hotel on Mactan so I would be closer to the airport. It took forever because I didn't attempt to use the Move-It App and the Grab App kept locking up my phone. I did find ANOTHER mall though.
On Mactan I caught another jeepney to my hotel.
Note to other riders, on parts of the road these metal tanks come within a few inches of each other so it is wise to keep all your limbs in the vehicle.
I stayed at the Arterra Hotel which is right on the water. I could see night divers spear fishing from my window. The hotel serves their catch at the restaurant (bangus fish were biting).
An all you can eat chicken wing advertisement popped up in my Facebook stream so I headed over to the place 888 or something like that. It is near Ocean Club. On my third or fourth plate I got zapped by something and I dropped one of my chicken wings on the floor. The food was pretty good and they had like 6 different flavors, though the sauce seemed to get a little dirty towards the end. Thus is life..
On my way home I noticed a colorful minature rainbow chicken in my yard. It reminded me of a friend of mine who showed me one of his all black miniature chickens from China. He proudly showed me that she even had an all black butthole and told me she was very expensive. I wondered if the rainbow chicken was as rare as the black Chinese chicken.
I headed back out that night and went to OM Bar. More bouncers from the gym (that's what happens on a small island) and a unique approach to climate control. The first half of the club is outdoors with a couple bars and a little too hot. Then you walk inside to the second half of the bar with the dance floor and it's too cold, but right upstairs the temperature is just right.
